30/03: I Am Not The Girl You Want

Do not look at me like that. No
not that way with tenderness. No,
do not look at me like that. No,
not that way with desire. No,
I am not the girl you want.

I am impossible to love and impossible not to love.

I will fall in love with you on the 6 train
because we are reading the same book and
get off at the same stop. We will say they
are signs. I will ask you if you know
the neighborhood bar, and you will. We will
go there and discover we like the same
single malt and I will fall so hard for you
my mother, ten thousand miles away
will choke on her third coffee. It is always
light and easy, the way I fall in love.
Before last call, we will both be walking
on air, our mouths watering with
the sweet impossibility of finding
love like this, in a city like this.

It’s the loving me that isn’t easy.

It will be a gorgeous fall day, or maybe it
will be a dreary winter afternoon. We will
be on the 6 train on our way to the
neighborhood bar that has now become
our bar. I will spot his book, and it will
happen again. He will know about our bar,
he will love our single malt.  And my
eyes will widen, and yours might too
at the discovery of our kin. Our
embrace will make room, and
before Mama  can choke on her
coffee again your mouth will water with
the sting and spice of  knowing
what it is to love a girl like me.

It is impossible to leave me.

I will fall in love with you for
the againth time doing something
mundane with you again. We
will smile our soft smile, the one
was save for these quiet times. I will
tell you I’ve decided to spend the
winter with my family in the tropics, or
the spring in Paris. I will tell you that
if you get lonely while I’m gone
you should fall in love. That it’s cool
and this time it’s your Mama who chokes
on her coffee as your mouth waters with
the delicate flavor of the easy honesty
that comes with loving a girl like me.

Know that I am going everywhere and nowhere,
because I love, and love so.